Discussion Groups / English Usage / January 2010

I wondered how the title Ms. is perceived and
used in the UK, and I found these two items.
The first is an essay; the second consists
of readers' responses to the essay.

  http://www.guardian.co.uk/g2/story/0,,1418885,00.html

  http://www.guardian.co.uk/g2/story/0,,1424924,00.html

Both texts are below.

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**************  THE ESSAY  ***************
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  The meaning of Ms

  Lucy Mangan suffers extreme marital status anxiety as she
  negotiates a path from Ms to Miss

  by Lucy Mangan

  February 21, 2005

  The Guardian

When I was 14, and still had the emotional capacity to become prostrate
with rage at injustices, both real and imagined, I swore I would always
be a Ms. I made my sister swear too. The logic of the feminist argument
was unassailable: all men were Mr, regardless of their marital status -
why should women not be accorded the same privacy? To mark them out in
this way was a hangover from a time when a woman was owned by her
husband, when her marital status was more important than anything else
about her.
But we didn't know then what a freighted monosyllable Ms would become.
Its widespread adoption by American and (as ever, to a slightly lesser
extent) British feminists in the 70s and early 80s meant it quickly
became inextricably linked to bra-burning, hairy-leggery extremism. It
was ridiculed and reviled from the start, by men (which was expected)
but also by too many "ordinary" (ie non-activist) women for it ever
really to become part of common parlance and lose its stigma.

Now, although I wrestle briefly with my conscience every time I am
confronted with a form which deems my marital status an issue of
supreme importance, I tick the "Miss" box. I have a friend who does so
because she dislikes what she refers to darkly (despite my protracted
weeping at the phrase) as the "lesbian undertones" of Ms. But I do it
because, well, because ticking Ms seems like making more of a statement
about an issue that no longer rouses my ire or even my interest than is
necessary or desirable. Or perhaps I just don't want to be reminded of
my idealistic 14-year-old self, who would doubtless have made a bold
stroke with an Amnesty International pen and theatrical flourish before
heading off to do her stint at the nearest women's refuge.

Ah well. There are some still more pragmatic than I. Anna, a
28-year-old systems analyst in Manchester, says: "To be honest, I use
Miss because I'm looking for a boyfriend and I want to advertise the
fact that I am single. Why create the doubt when you don't want any to
exist?" My sister says she uses Miss because it sounds younger and she
is already being kept awake at night by the sound of time's winged
chariot thundering up behind her. Hearing such sentiments from one's
little sister is not the best tonic a sibling's nerves could ask for,
of course, but I digress.

Others feel like it's not worth fighting a losing battle. Emma Jones,
who teaches at a secondary school in south-east London says, "I started
off calling myself Ms, because it's still on all the official cards and
things I got when I was 16 and I thought, "Well, why not try and make
the point?" But it's pointless - the kids just call you Miss anyway.
They don't even bother with your surname most of the time."

But what happens when you get married? Miss is no longer really an
option if you have even a passing interest in factual accuracy, so you
must choose between Ms and Mrs. I personally can't imagine referring to
myself as Mrs with a straight face, but that may be because the idea of
being ready to settle down for a lifetime with one person still causes
something deep within me to revolt and start battening down the hatches
of my psyche to prevent internal meltdown. But anecdotal evidence from
the eight million friends who have gaily tripped down the aisle over
the past couple of years and gladly relinquished not just their Miss
titles but their surnames too suggests that I am in the minority.

Perhaps I should have realised this the day Madonna, previously the
ultimate icon of independence and self-definition, abandoned her
pursuit of infinite variety and proclaimed via the woefully underused
medium of the diamante-studded suit that she was now Mrs Guy Ritchie.

Some women change to Mrs for less romantic reasons. Mrs Glenn (née
Miss Davies), a 30-year-old teacher in east London, changed her name
and title when she got married two years ago. "I did it because, to be
blunt, it gets me more respect from the parents at parents' evening
andthe students when I'm in the classroom," she says. "The boys start
to think of you more like their mum instead of someone they'd like to
shag, and the girls look up to you more because all they want is a man
and they know you've got one." She agrees it's depressing, but within
the confines of a tough comprehensive school, she's willing to embrace
anything that helps her keep the upper hand with her semi-feral
charges.

The easiest way to avoid detonating this particularly heavily-mined
area of political correctness, however, is to refuse to use anything. I
have only tried this once - last week, when I was buying a new oven and
could not, however hard I tried, envisage a situation in which knowing
my marital status could be of vital importance to the local purveyor of
white goods. I had to divulge the information in the end because the
computer screen would not accept an unfilled field, but I intend to
stick to my guns next time.

Until then, my sister and I will continue under the single soubriquet.
It will at least serve us well in later years when we retire to live
out our spinsterhoods in tweed and a crumbling Suffolk farmhouse, to
become known far and wide as the Two Mad Miss Mangans.

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************  THE RESPONSES  *************
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  The meaning of Ms, according to you

  On Monday we published an article by Lucy Mangan
  on the dilemma of calling yourself Ms, Miss or Mrs.
  It provoked a huge response. Here are just some of
  your views

  February 25, 2005

  The Guardian

Men have only one title and that is Mr. So, why on earth should women
have three? And all based on their marital status. Women are still
discriminated against and oppressed. And, of course, the sexist double
standards of titles are ever present. So Miss Mangan, show your
feminist muscle and reclaim the title Ms.
Louise Whittle
I am in my 50s and have long looked forward to a time when women would
cease to be defined by marital status and the prefixes Miss, Mrs and Mr
would disappear altogether. I have used Ms as an awkward compromise,
but to hear a younger woman defend her use of Miss saddens me. It would
be good to see this generation exert pressure to eliminate silly
prefixes and expect to be addressed with equality. I feel my generation
has let this one down in some ways, but I also feel that some of this
generation are very passive. They should wake up and demand the kind of
fairness that should exist in a truly sophisticated society.
Hilary Fawcett

The adoption of the alternative title Ms was intended to announce "my
marital status is of no interest or importance to anyone save myself".
The fact that there is a hint of "and don't mess with me, buster," adds
a fillip of pleasure for women confident enough to use it. Mangan's
arguments are the kind of feeble excuses I expect some women gave in
the late 70s - "Oh, there's no point objecting to being called popsie
at work, my boss carries on saying it anyway". Or in the 1890s - "Oh,
there's no point giving women the vote, they'll do what their husbands
tell them anyway".

Why does the inequality of pigeon-holing a woman by her marital status
no longer rouse Mangan to ire? Of course, this could very simply all be
removed by returning to the 17th century. Plenty of Shakespearean and
Restoration characters were known as Mistress, whether they were
married or not. Mistress meant simply a woman of independent means, one
with control, an honorific. Eventually it came to be associated with
the change in a woman's status when she married and was abbreviated to
Mrs, but this was never its original meaning.

So for those afraid of the lesbian undertones of Ms (dear God, do such
benighted women exist on these shores?), or for those desiring respect
in the classroom, I respectfully suggest they take up their Congreve
and type in the computer box the far more satisfying moniker
"Mistress". Those of us who employ the modern abbreviation of the same
honorific will continue to sign ourselves Ms.
Helen Walton

I was unaware that Ms had "lesbian undertones", though in future I will
be sure to note which title any attractive female I encounter uses. I
thank Miss Mangan in advance for helping to improve my love life.
Claire Hennessy

There is another way around this - get a PhD and acquire the title of
Dr.
Dr Lindy Murphy, Oxon

Not having the option of a gender-neutral title such as Dr, I have
opted for Lord.
Annie Robson, Herts

When women of my generation (I'm 59) introduce themselves as Mrs or
Miss, it sounds quaint to me. As for the unfilled field on the computer
screen, why don't we all opt for Lady or Baroness. It will screw up the
statistics something rotten.
Judy Eames, Oxfordshire

Since the introduction of Ms in the 1970s I have used it for myself and
in all correspondence I could get away with. I was probably the first
person in the diplomatic service to use it in official correspondence.
As a PA, a diplomat dictated a letter and as I didn't know the marital
status of the person to whom he was writing, I wrote Ms. When he
queried it, I explained it was convenient for the purpose, and, in
fact, should always be used. So we continued with it whenever possible.
In my opinion, titles are: Miss for a young girl; Master for a young
boy; Mr for an older male and Ms for an older woman.
Yvonne Newman

I tick the Ms box whenever I have to fill in a form. Yes, it marks me
out as a feminist, but I have no problem being identified with the
longest and most successful continuing revolution in history.
Jane Carnall, Edinburgh

I'm 48 and still unmarried. I love correcting someone when it is
assumed I am a Mrs on account of my advancing years. I always beam
profusely as I say Miss, as if it is some kind of achievement to have
remained one. Which I believe it is.
Laura Marcus, Staffs

I have been using Ms for three years - since I learned about political
correctness at A-level and the desire to stand up to sexual prejudice
first struck me. As a young (19), unmarried woman, I feel that Ms
demonstrates independence, strength of character and initiative. To me,
Miss connotes vulnerability and sexual appeal, qualities which many men
find hard to respect and take seriously, while Mrs demonstrates
attachment - the idea that your family commitments as a
wife/mother/carer (though valuable), are never fully removed from who
you are outside the home. Ms is a neutral and modern compromise. Women
should not feel embarrassed to make this bold statement.
Katy Rigg, Bangor

I have two daughters, aged 13 and 19. I have always tried to impress on
them the desirability of equality wherever possible. But they both use
Miss, because their peers do.
Edward Palmer

I am married but have chosen not to take my husband's name even though
my father-in-law feels deeply insulted. I also do not have a wedding
ring because it is pointless. Do I need to tell everyone I have a man
by my side?
Name withheld

I find the distinction between Mrs, Ms, and Miss patronising,
discriminating and old-fashioned. In the Netherlands, Germany and
France, they started addressing all adult women as Mrs a long time ago,
and I think it is about time the UK did the same.
Alma

For all the advances feminism has made, it is easy for things to slide
backwards, and there are plenty of women out there who are oppressed
even if we are not. Using Ms is a small way to stand up for ourselves
and act in solidarity with women who do not have that choice. Please do
not abandon it just yet.
Virginia Moffatt

You are either married or single. Therefore you are either Mrs or Miss,
or, if you lie awake at night worrying about what people think of your
marital status, then you are Ms.
Az and Anna

When I was married in 1992, I remained Ms and kept my own name. I was
bullied by my partner's relatives, even being told by his father that,
as he was head of the family, I had to do what he told me to. The
inland revenue dubbed me by my partner's name and Mrs, even after
having received a letter informing them that my details would not be
changing. I have been sworn at, subjected to sexist rants in shops and
by call centre operatives, and all of this continues to this day.
Judy Gash

I resist being referred to as anything other than Gabrielle Page. I
like my name. As far as I am concerned, salespeople can put down
blue-arsed baboon, just not Ms, Miss or Mrs.
Gabrielle Page

As a Quaker, I shun the use of any title, feeling that all are equal
before God and that our names are sufficient. As regards computers
requiring a title, where the box is free-form you can put a full stop,
or the word "friend" (fine for Quakers). The problem comes when you
have to choose from a list of options. How about Dame or HRH (Happy,
Really Happy).
George Penaluna

Calling yourself Ms is no big deal, so get on with it. And as for
girlies who change their name when they get married, well, honestly.
All those who have campaigned for votes for women, equal pay, abortion
and so on would be ashamed of the feebleness of 21st-century gals.
Josephine Hocking

I remain amazed at what seems to me the archaic use of Mrs or Miss. In
my part of the US (the North-west) it is a given that you address a
woman as Ms. To me, choosing to address yourself as Miss is a way of
saying you don't expect to be taken seriously. Miss is for children,
not grown women.
Maria Blum, Birmingham

In Norway, titles are long gone. The only time you will spot Mrs in a
newspaper is if an old lady (80+) is interiewed, and I last saw Miss in
a picture of the invitation for the wedding of our crown Prince to a
woman without a royal title.
Jenny Gabrielsen, Stoke-on-Trent

The problem with Ms starts with the word itself. It will always be
difficult for an invented word to be taken seriously if it can't be
easily understood and used. A word pronounced Mzzz? It's like
suggesting that men, for the same reason, should call themselves Mrrr.
John Carter, London

I never had any intention of changing my name when I got married. I had
not really thought through the Miss versus Mrs thing but decided that
if I was not going to use Ms, I could not use Mrs because I am not Mrs
Bradshaw so I remain and like being a Miss. It would be much easier for
me to change to my husband's name, particularly now we have children.
When we travel I always ask for the four of us to be seated together in
pre-allocated seats. On every plane journey last year (six) this didn't
happen. The reason? My surname is different. It seems that even in 2005
we are not geared up for a woman to decide not to change her name or
status.
Sarah Bradshaw

When I was growing up in Berkeley, California, in the late 60s, my
young, student parents had their eyes opened, their consciousness
raised and their personalities psychoanalysed. My mother changed her
name from Mrs to Ms and went back to her maiden name. My father changed
his name too - to one more "congruent" with his self-identity. So I
decided I would never change mine.

Of course, I was always going to be Ms. I met with some disapproval
here when I did not take my English husband's name. But using Ms was
not really a problem at first. Working in a high-street shop, however,
I soon learned what the typical British attitude was. My workmates
associated it with feminists - somehow a foul word. Some of them had
changed back to Miss instead of keeping Mrs after their divorces. They
certainly did not want to be associated with the Ms word.

Then my twins were born and I quickly realised, as I faced the
disapproving faces of the doctor's receptionists, that using Ms would
be a disadvantage to my children and me. It is much easier to conform,
and now I use Mrs as my title.

I don't have the heart to make a statement. I am already different
because of my nationality, because of my maiden name. That is enough
for me now. If it would ever become an unstigmatised title, Ms would be
my preference - adult, female.
Hope Newcomer

Yes, Ms has a stigma ... I was once told by a friend who worked in a
bank that you always knew the customers who used the Ms moniker would
be the stroppy ones. I was mortified and depressed at this.

Before I got married I always preferred Ms to the prissy and somehow
faintly-ridiculous-for-a-grown-woman Miss. But, as I am a teacher,
surrounded by people who probably find my views weird and annoying, I
have adopted Mrs as my teacher name.
Name withheld

Some letters have been edited for length.

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