Discussion Groups / English Usage / January 2007

Because if he'd said "rare" it would have triggered a Daniel post.

A very good question indeed. I was about to say that I probably did it
because while editing I decided it was slightly punchier than "Have a
Sort of Missing Link Between a Frog and a Gecko Will Travel (By
Tube)". But then my whole world was turned upside down when I came
across this in yesterday's Observer:

    [Sir David Attenborough] thinks the only reason the British
    are so keen on birds is because they're our predominant
    wildlife.  "If you were somewhere with elephants, you'd be
    watching elephants." He prefers watching spiders or the great
    crested newts that he has a permit to keep in his garden pond.

Does this mean there are newt-permit detector vans prowling the
suburban streets ("Good evening sir, I have reason to believe that
small amphibians are being kept on these premises....") ? Feral newts
roaming the moors and savaging sheep? Urban newts with names like
Prince or Tyson, unleashed by irresponsible chavs to terrify nannies
and their charges in Kensington Gardens?

Britain is so notoriously fauna-poor (as Dear Old Atters as good as
admits above)[1] that I can see why swiping great crested newts
(hereinafter, "GCNs") from their natural habitat is a Bad Thing that
requires some kind of official control to hold in check. But once a
newt (or several -- hey, let's have a party!) has been acquired by
strictly legal means (rather, that is, than by iffy means, such as
downloading over the Internewt), why can't you do with your newt as
you damn well please? Train it to sing the Internationale, dress it up
in a lacy undies and call it Lulu, or braise it slowly in a sherry
sauce to be served on a bed of shallots -- whatever rocks your boat.
Or your newt. But, no, you can't do that. This isn't some frogspawn in
a bleedin' milk bottle, matey. No, them's newts what you're messing
about with here -- and they'll be legal, licensed newts or no newts at
all, are we clear?

Hmm. This clearly called for some further research, so I jolly well
further researched.

It turns out that the Obbo journo was -- surprise-o, surprise-o --
imprecise in his nomenclature. Dear Old Atters doesn't have a mere
"permit" to keep his newts; what he must have, under Regulation
44(2)(e), (f) or (g), as the case may be, of the Conservation (Natural
Habitats, &c.) Regulations 1994,  is a DEFRA Great Crested Newt
Licence. Here's the application form (a PDF):
www.defra.gov.uk/corporate/regulat/forms/cons_man/wlf1.pdf

For those without PDF kuhpazzdy (or -- resigned sigh -- with better
things to do than download the paperwork for a newt licence), the
application form (LFA1 -- you know the one) begins by putting the fear
of God into any potential newt-keeper. These critters are not to be
taken lightly:

    Licences can be granted under Regulation 44(2)(e) or (f) of
    the Conservation (Natural Habitats, &C.) Regulations 1994, for
    the purpose of preserving public health or public safety or
    other imperative reasons of overriding public interest
    including those of a social or economic nature and beneficial
    consequences of primary importance for the environment, or
    Regulation 44(2)(f) for the purpose of preventing the spread
    of disease; or Regulation 44(2)(g) for the purpose of
    preventing serious damage to livestock, foodstuffs for
    livestock, crops, vegetables, fruit, growing timber or any
    other forms of property or to fisheries; to allow people to
    carry out activities that would otherwise be illegal.
    Applicants must also be able to demonstrate that they have a
    suitable amount of expertise to achieve the objectives of the
    proposed work.

Gulp. If you haven't been put off for life by that, they casually go
on to remind you that the eight-page form must be accompanied by a
"Method Statement" and "Reasoned Statement of Application", including
maps, plans and diagrams of your proposed newt-keeping facility and
all associated works (with reference to the corresponding planning-
permission application, if applicable).

Hmm. Maybe I'd best stick to gerbils. Unless, of course, I were to set
up an clandestine newt facility at an undisclosed location....

Bad idea. According to English Nature, who process all GCN
applications, there are "significant penalties for breaches of the
law". How significant? Let's jolly well find out.

Re-gulp. It turns out that if you keep a GCN in unlicensed conditions,
you risk getting clobbered for 5,000 quid and sent down for six
months. Yeah, but how will they ever know if I don't shout from the
rooftops that I'm a newt nut, I hear you muse. Oh, they'll know, all
right. The police can "obtain search warrants to gather evidence and
arrest persons under suspicion of offences involving species included
on the Schedules".

I knew it -- the bastards have got detector vans!

Anyway, this led me to wonder whether Red Ken had gone through all
this.  I suspect not -- doesn't he live in a flat in Hendon or
something? So that leaves two possibilities: (1) he's an outlaw, or
(2) he keeps newts that belong to one of the two common species
(palmates or smooths, for those in the know) rather than GCNs. Since
the first possibility is utterly unconceivable, this suggests that
there are exclusive toff newts for the likes of Dear Old Atters
(Wyggeston Grammar School/Clare College, Cambridge), while only
cheapo-cheapo newts are to be placed in the care of the likes of Red
Ken (Tulse Hill Comprehensive/Phillipa Fawcett Teacher Training
College).

Ha! And they say Britain is no longer a class-bound society.

[1. This only dawned on me after I ran away screami...er, I mean
emigrated and realised that "wildlife" on the Continong tends to
feature stuff like wolves and wild boar and brown bears and lynxes and
vultures with wingspans wider than the Firth of Forth, while Britain
can boast little more than the odd vole, mole, stoat or newt -- all
dull as dust, all so small you could inadvertently tread on one, and
all with particularly silly names. This epiphany could explain a hell
of a lot.]