cover letter

Thread view:

Enable EMail Alerts

Start New Thread

Thread rating:

conkon - 29 Jan 2004 11:50 GMT

I need to write a professional letter in order to get a summer job. I would
like to ask you for a quick look at my letter and suggestions about mistakes
and things tahat could be improved. I hope it will not be a problem for you
as for native speakers. I will appreciate any piece of advice.

Dear Sir / Madam

I am interested in possibility of participating in the internship program
organized by your organization. My main goal and a plan for the nearest
future is to become an intern in an American company. Hospitality is career
option I would like to explore and I would like to improve my qualification
in this field, therefore I am particularly interested in working in the
hotel, however, if possible, I will consider any available profession
related to guest services.

As you can see in my resume I have previous experience working in a hotel
for more than two years. Most of the time I have been working part-time as a
front desk clerk in one of the most popular hotels in my home city. I have
chosen this position because it mostly depends on interaction with people
and it gives me an opportunity to become familiar with the sort of business
I like. Last year I managed to get a job in a beachfront resort hotel in
Ocean City, New Jersey. It was an unforgettable experience. I used to work
there as a bell person, what gave me a great deal of experience and
knowledge about American hospitality and customs. I enjoyed working in
English speaking environment, getting to know other cultures and lifestyles
and practicing my English at the same time.

In my opinion being friendly and outgoing but still remaining professional
with guests and co-workers is the most important thing and a smile can do
wonders in overcoming the most difficult situations. I possess a personable,
customer service attitude along with friendliness and enthusiasm. My friends
say I am energetic and full of good ideas, helpful and sensitive to needs
and problems of the others. Moreover, I am a person with a great deal of
international experience, hard working, courteous and willing to learn. That
is all why I think I will meet the expectations of any employer.

Thank you for your time and consideration. If you require any further
information, please do not hesitate to contact me. I can be reached at the
above address or by telephone or e-mail as listed on my resume. I look
forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

PS: I enclose two most recent reference letters and the TOEFL Score report
as a proof of my English abilities. The other reference letters are
available upon request.

Reply to this Message

Don Phillipson - 29 Jan 2004 11:58 GMT

> I need to write a professional letter in order to get a summer job. I would
> like to ask you for a quick look at my letter and suggestions about mistakes
> and things tahat could be improved. I hope it will not be a problem for you
> as for native speakers. I will appreciate any piece of advice.
>
> Dear Sir / Madam

It is not a good idea to begin a job application with
Dear Sir/Madam.
1. If you can find out the name of the addressee,
use it.
2. If you must write to someone you cannot
identify, begin with
Dear Sir.

--
Don Phillipson
Carlsbad Springs (Ottawa, Canada)

Reply to this Message

Sebastian Hew - 29 Jan 2004 13:22 GMT

> "conkon" <conkon(- w y c i a c -)@o2.pl> wrote in message
>
[quoted text clipped - 13 lines]
> identify, begin with
> Dear Sir.

Another alternative is 'To whom it may concern'.

Reply to this Message

Wood Avens - 29 Jan 2004 15:09 GMT

>> Dear Sir / Madam
>
[quoted text clipped - 5 lines]
>identify, begin with
>Dear Sir.

If the letter is to be sent to a manager in the UK, I disagree.
Certainly find out a name if you can, and write Dear [title][name]
(in which case, end the letter "Yours sincerely"), but if you cannot,
Dear Sir / Madam is correct. Dear Sir would be considered
old-fashioned here, and might count against you were the manager a
woman, as could well be the case in the hospitality business.

NB this only refers to the UK. I can't speak for conventions in other
countries.

Signature

Katy Jennison

spamtrap: remove number to reply

Reply to this Message

Richard Chambers - 29 Jan 2004 12:56 GMT

A very good effort, which would interest me if I were the hotel manager.
Perhaps a bit longer than it should be, but I think it will work. I suggest
a few minor changes below:-

> Dear Sir / Madam
>
> [I am interested in possibility of participating] in the [internship]

program

+++ [I would like to participate]
+++ What is an "internship"? Are you sure you have the right word here?

> [organized by your organization. My main goal and a plan for the nearest
> future] is to become an intern in an American company. [Hospitality is

career]

+++[offered by your organization. My immediate aim]
+++[Hospitality is the career . . . ]

> option I would like to explore and I would like to improve my qualification
> in this [field, therefore I am particularly interested in working in the
> hotel, however, if possible, I will consider any available profession
> related to guest services.]

+++This sentence is too long. Break it up into shorter sentences as
follows:-
[ . . .field. I am particularly interested . . . ] .... [However, I will
consider . . .]

> As you can see in my resume I have previous experience working in a hotel
> for more than two years. Most of the time I have been working part-time as a
> front desk clerk in one of the most popular hotels in my home city. I have
> chosen this position because it mostly depends on interaction with people
> and it gives me an opportunity to become familiar with the sort of business
> I like. Last year I [managed to get a job] in a beachfront resort hotel in

+++[was employed]

> Ocean City, New Jersey. It was an unforgettable experience. I used to work
> there as a [bell person], [what] gave me a great deal of experience and

+++ ???What is a bell person? Is this an American term? Is it the same as
the British would call a "bell porter"? Somebody who provides room service?
+++[which]

> knowledge [about] American [hospitality] and customs. I enjoyed working in

+++[of]
+++[hotel management] or [hotel work]

> English speaking environment, getting to know other cultures and lifestyles
> and [practicing] my English at the same time.

[practising] (spelling mistake)

> In my opinion being friendly and outgoing but still remaining professional
> with guests and co-workers is the most important thing and a smile can do
> wonders in overcoming the most difficult situations. I possess a personable,
> customer service attitude along with friendliness and enthusiasm. My friends
> say I am energetic and full of good ideas, helpful and sensitive [to needs
> and problems of the others]. Moreover, I am a person with a great deal of

+++[to the needs and problems of others]

> international experience, hard working, courteous and willing to learn.

[That

> is all why I think I will] meet the expectations of any employer.

+++[For this reason, I believe that I will . . .]

+++(An excellent paragraph, by the way, which should get you the job.)

> [Thank you for your time and consideration. If you require any further
> information, please do not hesitate to contact me. I can be reached at the
> above address or by telephone or e-mail as listed on my resume. I look
> forward to hearing from you.]

+++Too many words for most American or British employers, who prefer letters
to be short and business-like. I suggest that the whole paragraph should be
reduced to:-
"If you require any further information, please do not hesitate to contact
me. Address details on the attached resume."

> Sincerely,
>
> PS: I enclose two most recent reference letters and the TOEFL Score report
> as a proof of my English abilities. The other reference letters are
> available upon request.

Perhaps you should tell the hotel manager which language is your mother
tongue. If the hotel regularly receives visitors from that country, your
knowledge of that language could be an additional asset to him/her.
Good luck!
Richard Chambers Leeds UK.

Reply to this Message

Default User - 29 Jan 2004 18:51 GMT

> +++ What is an "internship"? Are you sure you have the right word here?

Main Entry: 3in·tern
Variant(s): also in·terne /'in-"t&rn/
Function: noun
Etymology: French interne, from interne, adjective

: an advanced student or graduate usually in a professional field (as

medicine or teaching) gaining supervised practical experience (as in a
hospital or classroom)
- in·tern·ship /-"ship/ noun

Presumably the hotel has establish such a program, although there is no
indication that the applicant is a student mjoring in hotel management,
which would be the typical requirement for an internship. At our
company, interns work during the summer, usually between their junior
and senior years. This is a different program from co-ops, in which the
work experience is part of their curriculum and takes place during the
school year.

Brian Rodenborn

Reply to this Message

Sebastian Hew - 29 Jan 2004 13:32 GMT

> I need to write a professional letter in order to get a summer job. I
> would like to ask you for a quick look at my letter and suggestions
> about mistakes and things tahat could be improved. I hope it will not
> be a problem for you as for native speakers. I will appreciate any
> piece of advice.

<letter snipped>

Though well-written in general (grammatical points have been dealt with
in another reply), it is perhaps a little long for a covering letter. I
would be inclined to undertake some judicious trimming. Just make sure
it does not exceed a page when you type it up.

By the way, why is there a postscript? That information should be
included in the body of the letter. A postscript is used to add further
information after the writer has finished off the letter, either because
he forgot to mention it before, or because it pertains to something that
occurred/transpired after the letter was written. As you have not yet
written the letter, it does not make sense to have a postscript. Anyway,
these are just my thoughts.

Reply to this Message

Martin Ambuhl - 29 Jan 2004 18:20 GMT

I don't want to do too much violence to your cover letter, which is
actually fairly good. Changes that I suggest are just nothing more than
suggestions; rejecting them is quite reasonable.
I don't know if you plan on sending out the same cover letter to several
places, but you might consider making each letter pertain more closely to
the organization to which it is sent. For example,

> Dear Sir / Madam

You will be much better placed if you bother to determine to whom you are
writing. "Dear Sir / Madam" looks like you are running off hundreds of
these without doing any research. Putting in a little effort pays off.

> I am interested in possibility of participating in the internship program
> organized by your organization.

"Possibility of" is wasted verbiage. Even "participating in" is extra,
given your next sentence. And "your organization" suffers from the same
problem as the salutation. Try something like:
"I am intereste in the internship program organized by <insert
organization name here>."

>My main goal and a plan for the nearest
> future is to become an intern in an American company.

Your "main goal" is definitely *not* to become an intern in an American
company. No company would hire someone with such a meager "main goal."
Try something like:
"My goal for the immediate future is to become an intern in an American
company."

> Hospitality is career

^^
At the very least, you need "a" before career.

> option I would like to explore and I would like to improve my qualification

^^^ ^^^^^^^^^^^
Replace the "and" with a ".". "Qualifications" is better than "qualification."

> in this field, therefore I am particularly interested in working in the

^^^^
"field. Therefore"

> hotel, however, if possible, I will consider any available profession

^^^^
"hotel. However,"

> related to guest services.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I would replace "it mostly depends on" with the simple "of the."

> and it gives me an opportunity to become familiar with the sort of business
> I like.

If my suggestion above is followed, then the parallelism of "depends/gives"
is broken. That forces a recast here, perhaps to the simpler
"and because of the opportunity to become familiar with the business."
This particular recast loses some of the positive information in "sort of
business I like," and it might be good to reintroduce that somehow.

> Last year I managed to get a job in a beachfront resort hotel in
> Ocean City, New Jersey.

There is nothing really wrong with the above sentence, but "managed to get"
has an uncomfortable feel to it. The neutral "had" or the enthusiastic
"was lucky enough to have" seem better to me.

> It was an unforgettable experience. I used to work
> there as a bell person, what gave me a great deal of experience and

^^^^
which

> knowledge about American hospitality and customs. I enjoyed working in
> English speaking environment, getting to know other cultures and lifestyles
> and practicing my English at the same time.
>
> In my opinion being friendly and outgoing but still remaining professional

^^^
"while" might be better here

> with guests and co-workers is the most important thing and a smile can do

^^^
"thing. A smile"
But the "A smile can do wonders" sentence smacks of platitudinous
brainwashing sessions.

> wonders in overcoming the most difficult situations. I possess a personable,
> customer service attitude along with friendliness and enthusiasm.

I don't like "personable attitude." The basic meaning of "personable",
having a pleasant appearance and manner, applies to persons. For that
matter, "customer service attitude" sounds like an empty cliché. Try
something like:
"I think I am personable, with friendliness and enthusiasm that helps me
provide customers with the service they deserve."
That is saccharine enough for any manager.

> My friends
> say I am energetic and full of good ideas, helpful and sensitive to needs
> and problems of the others. Moreover, I am a person with a great deal of
> international experience, hard working, courteous and willing to learn. That
> is all why I think I will meet the expectations of any employer.

"That is all why" is not only poor English, but suggests that there are no
other reasons to consider you. "Because of these things, I think ..."

> Thank you for your time and consideration. If you require any further
> information, please do not hesitate to contact me. I can be reached at the
> above address or by telephone or e-mail as listed on my resume.

You might consider actually including this information here. Since the
page itself contains the address, it is not as important as the telephone
number and e-mail address, which you seem to have on a separate page.

> I look
> forward to hearing from you.
[quoted text clipped - 4 lines]
> as a proof of my English abilities. The other reference letters are
> available upon request.

You want to change this so the TOEFL clause doesn't intrude between the two
reference clauses. You might just change this to
"I have included my TOEFL score report as confirmation of my abilities in
English. In addition, there are two recent reference letters. If you
require additional references, I will provide them."

All of this is just my opinion, of course.

Signature

Martin Ambuhl

Reply to this Message

conkon - 29 Jan 2004 19:08 GMT

Thanks a lot! :)

Reply to this Message

Discussion Groups / English Usage / January 2004

cover letter