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Discussion Groups / English Usage / October 2008Cover letter opening sentence
Hello, I'm writing (or rather translating) my cover letter and have problems with rendering the opening sentence. While in my native language the sentence seems to read smoothly, its English version seems a bit awkward to me. The sentence is as follows: 'In view of the prestige and reputation of your company I would like to express my interest in obtaining a job here. It would be a great honor for me and I believe this company would be the right place for me to achieve my personal success and gain further experience.' To be honest I am not sure if this is a good idea to begin a cover letter in this way. I don't apply for a particular position, but rather outline my current skills and point areas I feel strong in. The English version is intended to be read by native speakers and I would like it to sound quite natural. The very first thing that doesn't read good to me is the word 'here' in the first sentence. I have no idea what to put instead as I didn't want to repeat 'in your/this company', which seems even more awkward. Or maybe I'm wrong? Could you please take a look at the sentence and express your opinion or help me to reword or paraphrase the sentence in such a way that it reads better?  SignatureBest regards, chairon > I'm writing (or rather translating) my cover letter and have problems with > rendering the opening sentence. While in my native language the sentence [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > this way. I don't apply for a particular position, but rather outline my > current skills and point areas I feel strong in. Tinkering with the wording of the sentence will not help you refine your plans and intentions. Imagine you are the personnel officer at this company: what sort of letter would catch your eye, so that you remembered its writer? Your first para. pays the company a compliment, but then focuses on your ambition for experience and success. Neither is an interest for this company. Its interests are profits or growth or innovation, or perhaps all three. You need to show how the addition of your person to the staff willl hep the company do better the things the company has already decided to do. Current American business books include specimen job applications. You may find there something to borrow. SignatureDon Phillipson Carlsbad Springs (Ottawa, Canada) >Hello, > [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] >To be honest I am not sure if this is a good idea to begin a cover letter in >this way. It doesn't really make any difference how you word that sentence. The reader will skim over it as fluff. It contributes nothing about your qualifications and presents nothing that the company wants to know about an applicant. The cover letter is a brief summary of what it covers: your resume/CV. Some basic polite stuff may be included, but keep it short and sell yourself. SignatureTony Cooper - Orlando, Florida > It doesn't really make any difference how you word that sentence. The > reader will skim over it as fluff. It contributes nothing about your > qualifications and presents nothing that the company wants to know > about an applicant. Agreed! I am actually asking about the grammaticality or, in other words, acceptability of the sentence. I focus on my quallifications later on in the text. I've read many cover letter samples and know that it is quite a common practice to use a very sophisticated language to talk about simple or obvious things. I wanted to do the same here, but at the same time I wouldn't like it to look completely odd, written in a non-English-like style, if you know what I mean :) SignaturePozdrawiam chairon >> It doesn't really make any difference how you word that sentence. The >> reader will skim over it as fluff. It contributes nothing about your [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] >acceptability of the sentence. I focus on my quallifications later on in the >text. The problem with focussing later on your qualifications is that the reader may not still be with you. He/she may form the opinion that you are the type to just blow smoke and not pay attention to the meat of your resume. >I've read many cover letter samples and know that it is quite a common >practice to use a very sophisticated language to talk about simple or >obvious things. You can always find examples of mistakes that other people make. Following their lead doesn't put you in the right light. >I wanted to do the same here, Why? What possible gain is there in that? > but at the same time I >wouldn't like it to look completely odd, written in a non-English-like >style, if you know what I mean :) Ask yourself "Is this employer looking for a person who can write banal filler in the style of a native English speaker, or is this employer looking for a person with the necessary qualifications to be considered for a job?" Don't bother to try to pass a test that won't count. SignatureTony Cooper - Orlando, Florida > 'In view of the prestige and reputation of your company I would like to > express my interest in obtaining a job here A job there. > It would be a great honor for > me and I believe this company would be the right place for me to achieve my > personal success and gain further experience.' This sentence talks about what the company can do for you rather than what you can do for the company. I agree with Tony that the cover letter is mostly fluff, but I can also tell you that in the days when I was reviewing and filtering stacks of resumes I needed filters to reduce the number to be read in detail to a reasonable amount, so if this sentence should happen to catch the eye of a reviewer it could well lead to your letter being tossed without further reading. SignatureJohn Varela Trade NEW lamps for OLD for email. >> 'In view of the prestige and reputation of your company I would >> like to express my interest in obtaining a job here [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > reviewer it could well lead to your letter being tossed without > further reading. I tend to disagree. I'd probably read this as "he expects to stick around for a while, not leave at the first opportunity," though I'd probably discount it as flattery. It wouldn't be a negative. SignatureEvan Kirshenbaum +------------------------------------ HP Laboratories |The bathwater, in this case, does 1501 Page Mill Road, 1U, MS 1141 |not appear to ever have contained Palo Alto, CA 94304 |any baby. | kirshenbaum@hpl.hp.com | ronniecat (650)857-7572 http://www.kirshenbaum.net/ > 'In view of the prestige and reputation of your company I would like to > express my interest in obtaining a job here. It would be a great honor for > me and I believe this company would be the right place for me to achieve my > personal success and gain further experience.' I would reject the entire paragraph. The first sentence sounds false and the second expresses only your self interest and says nothing about what you could do for the company. >Hello, > >I'm writing (or rather translating) my cover letter and have problems with >rendering the opening sentence. You shouldn't be calling it a "cover letter" without saying what it's to cover. If you mean "a cover letter for my resumé", you should say so. If it's not really a cover letter for something, you should find a more accurate way to refer to it. >While in my native language the sentence >seems to read smoothly, its English version seems a bit awkward to me. The >sentence is as follows: >'In view of the prestige and reputation of your company I would like to >express my interest in obtaining a job here. It would be a great honor for >me and I believe this company would be the right place for me to achieve my >personal success and gain further experience.' You're somewhat overdoing the flattery. The recipients of your letter won't be stupid; they'll know when they're being buttered up. For example, "it would be a great honor for me" is a little too much. A glaring error is that you've neglected to say what advantage the company would derive from hiring you. All you've referred to is how it would benefit you. They might find it interesting that you want to achieve personal success and gain experience, but what they'll be thinking about is what's in it for them. It seems to me all you need to say is I am writing to tell you that I would like to come to work for your company. I know that you have a fine reputation in your field and I believe I am well-qualified to serve you effectively as an employee. SignatureBob Cunningham, Southern California, USA. Western American English >>While in my native language the sentence seems to read smoothly, its >>English version seems a bit awkward to me. The sentence is as [quoted text clipped - 15 lines] > to achieve personal success and gain experience, but what they'll be > thinking about is what's in it for them. As I said in my other reply, "I expect to stick around a while" is something in it for the company. I'd expect the next sentences to express what specifically he brings that would make the company want him to stick around. SignatureEvan Kirshenbaum +------------------------------------ HP Laboratories |If the human brain were so simple 1501 Page Mill Road, 1U, MS 1141 |That we could understand it, Palo Alto, CA 94304 |We would be so simple |That we couldn't. kirshenbaum@hpl.hp.com (650)857-7572 http://www.kirshenbaum.net/ >>> While in my native language the sentence seems to read smoothly, its >>> English version seems a bit awkward to me. The sentence is as [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] > express what specifically he brings that would make the company want > him to stick around. When we were in hiring mode I'd go home with about 100 resumes every evening. Since we hadn't time to interview more than three or four candidates a week, I had to whittle those hundreds of resumes down to no more than a dozen or so to be phone screened for interview, and I didn't have either time or energy to read 100 resumes in detail every evening. I wanted to average less than a minute a resume. Since some resumes needed five minutes or so to read and judge, that meant many could get only a few seconds, so I raised the bar very high and used any hint of unsuitability to toss a resume. SignatureJohn Varela Trade NEW lamps for OLD for email. |
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