a sentence

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minimus - 07 Jan 2009 13:20 GMT

People,

The pharagraph below will appear on a web questionnaire just before a
question appears.

I have the following requests:

1. It is important that at a first glance the respondent understands what
this pharagraph says.
When you read it, do you think that you have an idea what is going on?

2. Do you have any suggestions to improve?

3. Do you think it is better to start the second sentence with
"Some other employees make" instead of
"On the other hand, some employees"

4. Do you think it is better to say "immediate" instead of "instant"?

Many employees make an instant transition from full-time work to full-time
retirement by leaving their full-time work the next day for full retirement
at some age. On the other hand, some employees make a gradual transition
from full-time work to full-time retirement by progressively reducing their
working time and workload over a period before full-retirement.

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Ian Jackson - 07 Jan 2009 14:15 GMT

>People,
>
[quoted text clipped - 6 lines]
>what this pharagraph says.
>When you read it, do you think that you have an idea what is going on?

See below.

>2. Do you have any suggestions to improve?

See below.

>3. Do you think it is better to start the second sentence with
>"Some other employees make" instead of
>"On the other hand, some employees"

If you mean "many", say "many". If you mean "some", say "some".

>4. Do you think it is better to say "immediate" instead of "instant"?

Either. I prefer instant.

>Many employees make an instant transition from full-time work to
>full-time retirement by leaving their full-time work the next day for
>full retirement at some age.

The sentence is garbled, and also doesn't really say what I think you
meant to day. For example, with a bit of rearrangement and a correction
of the nonsense:

"At some age, many employees make an instant transition from full-time
work to full-time retirement by leaving their full-time work one day,
and starting full retirement the next".

>On the other hand, some employees make a gradual transition from
>full-time work to full-time retirement by progressively reducing their
>working time and workload over a period before full-retirement.

OK, but it maybe better to say "On the other hand, by progressively
reducing their working time and workload, some employees make a gradual
transition from full-time work to full-time retirement.

Signature

Ian

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Bob G - 07 Jan 2009 18:26 GMT

> Many employees make an instant transition from full-time work to full-time
> retirement by leaving their full-time work the next day for full retirement
> at some age. On the other hand, some employees make a gradual transition
> from full-time work to full-time retirement by progressively reducing their
> working time and workload over a period before full-retirement.

Many employees go into full retirement immediately upon leaving work;
Others do it gradually by reducing their work load over time before
retiring fully.

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John Varela - 07 Jan 2009 21:03 GMT

> > Many employees make an instant transition from full-time work to full-time
> > retirement by leaving their full-time work the next day for full retirement
[quoted text clipped - 5 lines]
> Others do it gradually by reducing their work load over time before
> retiring fully.

Excellent; you beat me to it. The original has a lot of extra words
that only make it harder to understand.

Signature

John Varela
Trade OLD lamps for NEW for email

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Discussion Groups / English Usage / January 2009

a sentence