Discussion Groups / English Usage / January 2009

I Wrote this four years ago and never did anything with it. It starts
out slow then builds steam.

The Cabinet Meeting

CONDI:

Good morning, Mr. President. I was told you wanted to see me.

GEORGE:

Good morning, Condi. Come in, please.

CONDI:

If it’s about my meeting with Putin and Tony Blair, here’s the report. I
just finished it.

GEORGE:

Terrific! Can’t wait to dig into it ... eh, but, there was something
else I wanted to talk to you about Condi.

CONDI:

Yes, Mr. President?

GEORGE:

Right ... eh ... well, Condi, I guess I should get right down to it. You
see, it’s about your, ahem... well, it’s about your ... your hairdo, you
see.

CONDI:

I beg your pardon?

GEORGE:

Well, I’d like you to change it if you don’t mind -- not that there’s
anything wrong with it, mind you, but you see, Condi --

CONDI:

Tell me you’re kidding.

GEORGE:

Don’t get me wrong, Condi, I never noticed it before -- eh, no, that’s
not what I mean. I mean, I noticed it before and it was just fine with
me, but you see, our well ... our dismal showing with young black voters
made us wonder whether ... ahem, well, whether a younger look might be a
bit more helpful at this point in time.

CONDI:

You’re not kidding?

GEORGE:

So the comment was made that we should ask you if you would consider
something different, say, maybe something like that new look. Eh, you
know like the one they call, eh, "dread."

CONDI:

Dread...?

GEORGE:

Locks ...

CONDI:

Mr. President, if you’re quite through here, I’ve got a ton of work on
my desk that I really ought to get to before your flight to London.

GEORGE:

Right. Sure thing. Sorry to hold you up. Thanks again for the report.

CONDI:

Right ... eh, and one thing before I go, Mr. President.

GEORGE:

Yes, Condi, what’s that?

CONDI:

I’m going to pretend this dread conversation never took place.

GEORGE:

What dread conversation, Madame Secretary of State?

CONDI:

Thank you, Mr. President.

(Condi turns and walks out office)

Next Day in Cabinet Conference Room...

CONDI:

Hello, everyone. As you know, I’ll be chairing this Cabinet meeting
while the President is in Europe. Ok, we’ve got a full plate, so I’ll
present the items on the agenda in order of importance. Item one is you,
Secretary of Interior Gail Norton -- I understand you’re the one who
told the president I should get dread locks.

GAIL NORTON: (Secretary of Interior)

I beg your pardon?

CONDI:

Don’t deny it. But what I want to know is why weren’t you woman enough
to tell me to my face instead of going behind my back?

GAIL:

I-I...

CONDI:

I’d also like to know what you think you know about black hair. Why, I
bet you don’t even know what a hot comb is.

GAIL:

Is this really happening...?

CHENEY:

Now, Condi, like I told you -- nomy spies are not 100% sure it was her
who told the President.

CONDI:

Hold it, Dick. I want her to answer my question.

GAIL :

Well, of course, I know what a hot comb is. It’s a heated, iron comb
black women use to straighten their kinky hair so they'll look more white.

CONDI:

Good, good. Insults are good, Gail, but now let me ask you this -- have
you ever been beat in the face with a hot comb?

GONZALEZ:

Now, hold it right there, Condi. As Attorney General and top law
enforcement officer of the land, I can’t sit here and allow you to
threaten a member of the President’s cabinet with a hot comb.

CONDI:

That wasn’t a threat; it was a promise.

CHENEY:

Gonzales has a point, Condi. Maybe you and the Secretary of Interior
should settle it in the ladies room.

GAIL:

Isn't somebody going to do something? She said she was going to beat me
in the face with a hot comb.

CONDI:

No, I asked you if you’ve ever been beat in the face with a hot comb.

RUMSFELD:

One point of order, Condi -- if the hot comb is hot, won't it burn her face?

GONZALEZ:

If it did, that would make it a Class-A violent felony punishable by up
to 20 years in jail.

CONDI:

The satisfaction would be worth it. I’d do my 20 years and still be a
young woman when I got out.

ELAINE CHAO:

Not that young.

CONDI:

Who the hell are you?

CHAO:

I'm Elaine Chao, Secretary of Labor.

CONDI:

Since when?

CHAO:

Since the 2000 Election -- Geezuz.

CONDI:

Is that true, Cheney?

CHENEY:

I’ve never seen this woman before in my life, Condi.

MINETTA:(Secretary of Transportation)

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Of course she’s the Secretary of Labor --
how do you think she got into this meeting?

CONDI:

Who are you?

**************************

CONDI

Order! Order! If everyone would calm down, please.

(Knock on door)

CONDI

Who is it?

RUMSFELD

It’s me -- Rumsfeld.

CONDI

Yes -- what do you want?

RUMSFELD

You sent me out for lunch, remember?

CONDI

Oh, yeah. Come in.

RUMSFELD

Thanks. Ok, everybody, good news, bad news. I lost the lunch list, so I
had to take a guess at what each of you wanted.

CONDI

Rumsfeld, we don’t have time for this. Just pass out the food, please.

RUMSFELD

Sure thing. Ok, let’s see -- beans and rice and a bottle that's for you,
Secretary Gutierrez. Weight Watchers salad with a Tab? that would be
you, Secretary Spelling -- zap that cellulite right out of the ball
park, huh? Now, let me see here ... eh, Sushi with a bottle of Sake --
that, of course, I picked for you Secretary Minetta. Which brings us to
you, Secretary Chao -- picked you something I know you’re gonna love: a
serving of Chop Suey and chop sticks. Hmm, can’t you smell it?

Now let me see here... oh, yeah, Cheney, didn’t forget you, old pal.
How’s about two Hostess Twinkies and a nice glass of Milk of Magnesia?
Yummy, yummy -- go to it, man! Hmmm, let’s see, here. Oh, right, didn’t
forget you either Gonzales. How’s about a nice spicy bean buritto with
some kick a.s Tequila to wash it all down? Here, pass it over to him,
will you, Condi?

Which brings us to you, Condi, and Secretary of HUD, Alphonso Jackson.
No, I didn’t forget you two guys. How’s about a bucket of fried chicken,
two ice cold 40’s and two great big slices of watermelon?

Now, let’s see, one more left, who did I forget? Let’s open it and see
-- what? a bagel and lox with a side of Matzah balls soup. Now who would
that be? Secretary Chertoff! Who else! Pass it over to the big fella,
guys, will you?

Well, alright! Everybody happy? Well, dig in and Bon Aperitif!...
(No one is moving.)

... I said dig in, you can eat now ... don’t worry about me, I’ve
already ate ...

... hey, why is everybody staring at me like that ...?

... what I do this time ...?

*******************************

RUMSFELD

Look, everybody, I’m sorry.

CONDI
Fine. Thank you very much, apology accepted. Now, if you don’t mind, we
have work to do.

RUMSFELD

Honestly, If you like I’ll go back out and get everybody pizza.

CONDI

Rumsfeld...

RUMSFELD

Yes, Condi.

CONDI

Leave, now.

RUMSFELD

Yes, Ma'am.
(Rumsfeld walks out of room)

MINETTA

Geezuz, how long is the president going to carry that guy?

CHAO

Wasn’t he supposed to be sh.t-canned with Ashcroft?

CHENEY

Can’t fire him; he’s Civil Service.

MINETTA

If the man had any integrity, he’d have resigned. You know, my parents
are Japanese and in Japan the way they let an old guy know he’s
over-stayed his welcome is by putting a gun on his desk.

CHAO

Why do they do that?

MINETTA

To let him know he'd be doing the world a favor if he used it ... on
himself.

GONZALES

Can’t do that here. That’s a Class A-Felony, punishable by 20 years in
prison.

MARGARET SPELLING (Secretary of Education):

Hey, we got all this food here -- what are we going to do with it?

CONDI

I’m sorry, but if you think I’m going to eat fried chicken and
watermelon, think again.

GONZALES:

And my constituents would kill me if word got out I was eating burritos
in the White House.

CHAO

You should talk. I almost threw this nasty Chop Suey right back in his face.

GUTIERREZ:

Hey, I love Chop Suey -- want to swap for my rice and beans?

CHAO

I love rice and beans!

CONDI

Swap you my fried chicken and watermelon for that burrito, Gonzales.

GONZALES

You’re on!

CHENEY:

Hey! Who wants to swap my Hostess Twinkies and Milk of Magnesia for
their lunch?

SPELLING:

I will! I love Milk of Magnesia -- pass it over, kiddo!

MINETTA:

This is great. So much love here. So who wants to swap for my sushi?

CHERTOFF:

I will!

MINETTA

Eh, no, that’s alright.

CHERTOFF

Hey, you got a problem with Matzahballs soup or something?

CONDI

Alright, boys, there’ll be none of that -- Minetta, swap him your sushi.

MINETTA

Why me?

CONDI

Why not you?

CHERTOFF

Don’t make him eat it if he doesn’t want to.

CONDI

Oh, he’s going to eat it, and like it too.

MINETTA

I’ll eat it, but you can’t make me like it.

(Knock on door)

CONDI

Oh, geezus. Who is it?

RUMSFELD

It’s me, Rumsfeld.

MINETTA

Oh, Geezuz. Will he never go away?

CONDI

Rumsfeld, I don’t have time for this. What do you want?

RUMSFELD

It’s important -- a life or death matter, Condi.

CONDI

Who’s life -- mine or yours?

RUMSFELD

Mine.

CONDI

I thought you said it was important?

RUMSFELD

If you just let me explain, Condi.

CONDI

Ok, come in -- but it better be good.

(Rumsfeld opens the door and walks in)

CHAO

Look! He’s got a gun!

GONZALEZ:

Put the gun down, Rumsfeld, step away from the table and put your hands
in the air.

RUMSFELD

Say, what? No! Surely you jest? You don’t think that I was going to--

GAIL

Omigod! Omigod! He’s going to kill us! He’s going to kill us! Why, me,
God? Why me?

CONDI

Gail

GAIL

Yes?

CONDI

Shut up.

GAIL

Well, I never --

GONZALEZ

Put the gun down, Rumsfeld. Step away from the table and put your hands
in the air.

CONDI

Gonzalez.

GONZALEZ

Yes?

CONDI

Not now.

GONZALEZ

No?

RUMSFELD

I tell you, you people have it all wrong. I--

CONDI

Rumsfeld, let me have it.

RUMSFELD

No, I can’t.

CONDI

This is a direct order, Rumsfeld -- let me have it.

RUMSFELD

But are you sure?

CONDI

Trust me. Now let me have it.

RUMSFELD

Alright ... if you say so -- where do you want it -- in the belly or the
head?

CONDI

(Jumps up and starts running around room)

Omigod! Omigod! He’s going to kill me! He’s going to kill me! Why me
God? Why me?!

RUMSFELD
(starts chasing Condi)

No, no, no -- Come back, Condi! Come back! You told me it was a direct
order. I had no intention of shooting you before then.

CONDI
(stops running)

You didn't?

GUTERREZ;

Hey, what’s the idea of walking in with a gun scaring everybody in the
first place?

RUMSFELD

You were really scared? Really?

GONZALEZ

Put the weapon down, Rumsfeld, back away from the table and put your
hands in the air.

CHAO

Yeah, what’s the idea of walking in here with a loaded gun like that?

RUMSFELD

Is it loaded?

GONZALEZ

Let me see it.

(Gonzales, takes gun from Rumsfeld, flips open chamber counts bullets
than hands it back to Rumsfeld.)

GONZALEZ

Yep, it’s loaded alright.

RUMSFELD

Thank you.

GONZALEZ

Da Nada.

CONDI

Ok, ok, hold it right there. Now what do you mean by walking in here
with a loaded gun, Rumsfeld -- and I want an answer right freakin' now.

RUMSFELD

I found it.

CHERTOFF

Yeah? Where? in your Christmas stocking?

RUMSFELD

You killed Jesus -- what do you know from Christmas stockings?

CHERTOFF

Oh, so now a bigot with a gun. What next? You start shoot the blacks
first, the Hispanics second, the Asians third, the gentiles fourth, and
the Jews last, huh?

CONDI

Shut up, Chertoff. Alright, Rumsfeld, suppose you tell us why you walked
in here with that heater.

RUMSFELD

Heater? What heater? I didn't walk in here with a heater. Why would I
need a heater in the middle of August, uh, er -- oh, you mean this gun?
Oh, well, like I said I found it.

CONDI

Yeah, we heard that already -- where?

RUMSFELD

On my desk.

(all heads turn to Minetta)

MINETTA

Hey! Why’s everybody looking at me?

CONDI

Weren’t you the one who said it was a Japanese custom to leave a gun on
the desk of someone you wanted to get rid of?

MINETTA:

Yeah, but that don’t mean I left that gun on the left side of Rumsfeld’s
desk near his red phone.

RUMSFELD

You mean you people were trying to get rid of me?

CONDI

Not now, Rumsfeld.

RUMSFELD

No, maybe now is would be the best to find who's been doing me dirty
behind my back.

GONZALEZ

Don’t do it, Rumsfeld. Put the gun down, step away from the desk with
your hands in the air.

MINETTA:

I mean, Gutierrez ate my sushi, right?

CONDI

So?

MINETTA

And sushi’s Japanese, right?

CONDI

And ...?

MINETTA

Well, there you have it.

GUTIERREZ

There she has what?

MINETTA

Simple: you like Japanese food; ergo, you must like Japanese customs too
-- including putting a gun on someone’s desk you want to get rid of.

RUMSFELD

I should have figured it was you all along, Gutierrez. Get up.

GUTIERREZ

Now wait a minute, Rumsfeld. I hate guns, honest. Especially a scaled
down GP100, Ruger’s GP100, full sized .357 five shot capacity Magnum
service revolver like the one you’re holding. I hate ‘em I tell you.

RUMSFELD

Yeah, well you’re really gonna hate this one.

GONZALEZ

Put the gun down, Rumsfeld and step away from the table with your hands
in the air.

JACKSON:

Can somebody pass me the salt, please.

RUMSFELD

Hey, C’mon, geezuz. You people don’t really think I was going to shoot
anybody, do you? I was just bringing the gun here to give to Gonzalez.

GONZALEZ

Give it to me??? Why me, Rumsfeld? What have I ever done to you? If
you’re going to give it to somebody, why don’t you give it somebody like
Condi? she’s the one who’s always treating you like crap.

CONDI

Give me that gun for a minute, Rumsfeld.

RUMSFELD

Sure, where do you want it?

CONDI

Gimmee that thing (snatches out of Rumsfeld’s hand)

RUMSFELD

Hey, careful. That thing is loaded.

CONDI

Now, come here, Gonzalez.

GONZALEZ

Put the weapon down, Condi. Stand away from the table with your hands
above your head.

CONDI

Grab him, Chertoff!

CHERTOFF:

Ok -- whoops! he went between my legs. Come back here little fella!

GONZALEZ

I’m going to tell Bush about this!

CONDI

That’s it -- everybody freeze!

GAIL

Oh, she’s going to kills us! She’s going to kill us all!

CONDI

I said Freeze!

RUMSFELD

Does that include me too?

CONDI

I said Freeze!

JACKSON:

Can I finish my chicken first?

CONDI

Negro, I said Freeze!

CHAO

Don’t worry, Gonzalez. She doesn’t have the nerve to shoot you.

CONDI

Oh, don’t, do I?

CHAO

Nah, you’re just bluffing.

CONDI

Am I?

GONZALEZ

Hey, wait a minute. Maybe she’s not bluffing.

CHAO

Don’t worry, Gonzalez. Even if she did have the nerve to shoot you, with
all these witnesses here, she’d never get away with it.

GONZALEZ

Yeah, but I’d be dead.

CHAO

Yeah, but think of the satisfaction you’d get when they send her to the
electric chair.

GONZALEZ:

Oh, yeah, I hadn’t thought about that.

JACKSON:

Why can’t we all get along?

MARGARET SPELLING (Secretary of Education):

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I confess! I confess! I’m the one who put
the gun on Rumsfeld's desk.

RUMSFELD:

Et tu, Spelling?

SPELLING

But not for the reasons you think. You see, Rumsfeld and I are lovers.

RUMSFELD

We are?

SPELLING

And you see, I did it because my astrologer prophecized it.

CONDI

You have an astrologer?

SPELLING

Doesn’t everyone? Well, according to my astrologer, someone was going to
try and get Rumsfeld to commit suicide by putting a gun on his desk. So
I thought that if I took the bullets out first and put the gun on his
desk I would be fulfilling the prophecy without putting my lover in danger.

CHERTOFF

Yeah, well one thing: you forgot to take the bullets out.

SPELLINGS

Ooops.

CHERTOFF

Hey, with a memory like that, what are you doing at this cabinet meeting
anyway?

SPELLING

Why, I’m Margaret Spellings, the Secretary of Education, of course.

CHERTOFF

Secretary of Education? No wonder why Johnny can’t read.

RUMSFELD

Hey, mister, you don’t talk to her like that.

CHERTOFF

Yeah, and who are you?

RUMSFELD

Who am I? You don’t even know who the Secretary of Defense is? What kind
of memory is that?

CHERTOFF

Memory? I’ve got a perfect memory -- a photographic, memory in fact, so
don’t even try it.

RUMSFELD

Then surely you’ve heard of Daniel Rumsfeld?

CHERTOFF

Wait a minute ... wait a minute, the name is coming to me -- it’s on the
tip of my tongue.

CHAO

You know, people, this is all getting pretty ridiculous. Honestly, I
think I’ll just leave this nuthouse.

SPELLING

Wait a minute, Elaine, I’ll go with you. And just so all of you will
know, I’ll be telling Bush all about what happened today when he gets home.

GUTIERREZ

Wait a minute ladies, I’ll be going with you. And you know these the
Senoritas have a point.

CHAO

Who are you calling a “senorita”?

GUTIERREZ

You, of course, mi amor. In my country “senorita” is--

CHAO

Wait a minute -- do you hear chickens in the background?

GUTIERREZ

No.

CHAO

Do you see boys running through the street with no shirts on?

GUTIERREZ

No.

CHAO

Do you see cars with toy dogs in the rear whose heads go up and down
like this?

GUTIERREZ

No, but --

CHAO

Then guess what that means?

GUTIERREZ

That I’m not in Kansas anymore?

CHERTOFF:

Well, there you have it, Ladies and Gentlemen --- and why the president
ever made him secretary of Homeland security is one for the books.

GUTIERREZ

I’m not the secretary of Homeland Security.

CHERTOFF?

Oh, you aren’t? Well, if you aren’t, who is -- tell me that?

GUTIERREZ

You are, you fool.

CHERTOFF:

Hahaha! Did you hear that, Cheney? Did you hear what the man said? He
said ... he said... wait a minute, what did he say? ... it’ll come to me
in a minute -- I

RUMSFELD:

My God, man. Bush appoints you to one of the most important positions in
his cabinet and you don’t even remember it?

CHERTOFF

Remember what?

MINETTA

Geezuz. It’s like 9-11 all over again.

CHERTOFF

9-11? What’s that?

CONDI

Stop it! Stop it! Stop! So the man is a little absent-minded, that’s no
reason to taunt and belittle him.

CHERTOFF

They’re swine, Condi -- swine!

RUMSFELD

Hey, wait a minute, I don’t have to take that from you.

CHERTOFF

Take what from me?

CONDI

Stop it! Stop it, I say.

CHERTOFF

Stop what?

RUMSFELD

This is turning into the theater of the absurd. I’m leaving.

GONZALEZ

Put the gun down, Rumsfeld. Step away from the table, and put your hands
over your head.

CONDI

You say that one more time Gonzalez, and you won’t have to worry about
Rumsfeld shooting anybody, because I'll take that gun and empty every
bullet in it in you.

GONZALEZ

Put the gun down, Rumsfeld. Step away from the table, and you your hands
over your head.

CONDI
(starts sobbing)

All I wanted... ahahaahaha ... All I wanted was to run one meeting --
one meeting where we could get something done, ahhhhahahahahaha......

SPELLING

Well, I’m going to tell Bush all about it when he gets back, that’s for
sure.

CHERTOFF

Say, who is this fellow named Bush everyone keeps mentioning?

NEXT DAY: OVAL OFFICE

GEORGE

Well, Condi, how did the meeting go?

CONDI

It was real.

GEORGE

A “real” what?

CONDI

No, no, you don’t understand, Mr. President. When a black person says it
was ‘real’ she means it was ‘live.”

GEORGE

Live?

CONDI

Yes.

GEORGE

As opposed to dead ?

CONDI

No, no, not that live. We say something was ‘live’ when we mean it was
‘raw.”

GEORGE

Raw?

CONDI

Yes, raw.

GEORGE

As in something uncooked?

CONDI

No, no, Mr. President, not that raw. When we say something was ‘raw’ we
mean it was ‘live.”

GEORGE

There's that word ‘live’ again.

CONDI

Yes, cool, isn't, Mr. President.

GEORGE

Yeah, and I think I got you. It’s all good, right?

CONDI

It’s all good?

GEORGE

Yes, it’s all good.

CONDI

Mr. President, far be it for me to correct your English grammar, but
inasmuch as you’re referring to a group, it is not necessary to add
“all.” 'It' is good suffices.

GEORGE

It’s all good.

CONDI

I see.

GEORGE

You dig?

CONDI

Yes, Mr. President