first date paragraph

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me - 17 May 2009 15:07 GMT

Hi
I would appreciate if you can re-write this paragraph I wrote about my
idea of "First date" which is part of my online dating profile. I
want to see how it can be written differently so I can learn to
improve my style. Thanks a lot.
===
"Chatting online first, if there is a connection, go to next level,
phone, if we click then we meet in person for coffee/drink (make it
simple, it is about getting know each other, it is not about where you
are going or what you are going to do.. if you are with the wrong
person then going to Paris/France wont be fun.. so make it simple and
if we connect in person then the sky is the limit)"

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the Omrud - 17 May 2009 16:40 GMT

> Hi
> I would appreciate if you can re-write this paragraph I wrote about my
[quoted text clipped - 8 lines]
> person then going to Paris/France wont be fun.. so make it simple and
> if we connect in person then the sky is the limit)"

I think I can guess what you mean, but you are not writing sentences.
Try again - I'll give you a start with your first thought:

- First, we can try chatting online.

Signature

David

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me - 18 May 2009 03:57 GMT

> > Hi
> > I would appreciate if you can re-write this paragraph I wrote about my
[quoted text clipped - 16 lines]
> --
> David

Ok, thanks David
Here is my second version:
"First, we can try chatting online, if we connect then we talk over
the phone then if we found we want to know about each other more then
we can meet in person. I prefer something simple, like grabbing a
coffee and going for a walk over the beach. It is not about what we do
or where you go, it is about with whom we are, if you are with the
wrong person then going to Paris wont be fun. "

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the Omrud - 18 May 2009 09:10 GMT

>>> Hi
>>> I would appreciate if you can re-write this paragraph I wrote about my
[quoted text clipped - 21 lines]
> or where you go, it is about with whom we are, if you are with the
> wrong person then going to Paris wont be fun. "

That's definitely better, but you are still running ideas together which
should be in separate sentences. For example:

- First, we can try chatting online. If we connect then we talk over
the phone. Then, if we found ..."

Writing long sentences with different thoughts is an advanced topic - it
would be much better at this stage if you stick to short simple
sentences, each with only one idea.

My rewrite above is not yet correct - I just copied your following
ideas. There are several mistakes, especially of verbs. You shouldn't
worry about style until you've got these sorted out, but I'm not sure
that just correcting the paragraph would help you. There are others
here who are experienced in teaching English to non-native speakers.
Perhaps they will offer some advice.

However, the paragraph as it is now is perfectly understandable. If
somebody is going to meet you, it will be immediately clear to them that
English is not your first language, so there's no point in trying to
produce perfect prose. I would say that it's OK as it is.

Think about it. If you really want a complete and idiomatic rewrite, I
will do that.

Signature

David

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me - 18 May 2009 14:31 GMT

> >>> Hi
> >>> I would appreciate if you can re-write this paragraph I wrote about my
[quoted text clipped - 51 lines]
>
> - Show quoted text -

Yes please, I would appreciate that very much. Not because I do not
want people to know my native language is not English but I want to
see how it can be done when an English speaker write the same thing.
Thanks a lot.

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the Omrud - 18 May 2009 15:54 GMT

>>>>> Hi
>>>>> I would appreciate if you can re-write this paragraph I wrote about my
[quoted text clipped - 48 lines]
> see how it can be done when an English speaker write the same thing.
> Thanks a lot.

OK. I have not tried to change your choice of words, but only to
improve the English. This is not what I would have written - I don't
really understand the bit which says "it is not about where you are
going or what you are going to do" so I left it alone.

First, we can chat online. If we feel a connection, we can carry on to
the next stage and chat by phone. If we are still getting on well, we
can meet in person for a drink. It is best to keep it simple, getting
to know each other at the right speed. It is not about where you
are going or what you are going to do - if you were with the wrong
person then even going to Paris wouldn't be fun. So, keep it simple and
if we click then the sky's the limit.

Signature

David

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me - 18 May 2009 17:02 GMT

> >>>>> Hi
> >>>>> I would appreciate if you can re-write this paragraph I wrote about my
[quoted text clipped - 66 lines]
>
> - Show quoted text -

amazing, why it is hard to write like this!!!
thanks a lot for the help, i really appreciate it. Language is not
like math or physic, there are no rules and that makes it so hard.
thanks once again.

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Discussion Groups / English Usage / May 2009

first date paragraph