Discussion Groups / English Usage / May 2009

Oh no, you're thinking, not another one,
But yes, this tragic chorus I must sing.
  The coat I've borrowed from John Donne,
  Whom Marius to us did bring.
I cannot help but pen a new report,
Addicted as I am to this fine sport.

They laughed when I said my ambition was
To be a comic poet of renown.
  But they're not laughing now, because
  They wrongly took me for a clown:
The Monkhouse -- not Munchausen -- paradox;
It's not a syndrome feigned to fool the docs.

This week we've seen "self-hater" juxtaposed
With "autophobe" -- now there's a word that's odd.
  That term's already diagnosed
  As fear of being on your tod.
It could mean "anti-car" too, if you like,
Or someone who prefers to go by bike.

These phobias have gone too far; I hate
This medicalisation of our fears.
  They've even coined a term of late
  For one who is averse to queers:
"Misoarsenocoites" is a curse;
It interrupts the rhythm of my verse.

May I propose a term that's not been heard,
But fits iambic metre to a T?
  It's "misomiso". What a word!
  You ask, what might the meaning be?
A sorely needed term for the distaste
Occasioned by fermented soybean paste.

To turn from psychic to somatic woes:
That irritable vowel syndrome struck.
  The spastic colon comes and goes,
  And in the khazi some are stuck,
Regretting that they chose a curry take-
Away instead of going for a steak.

So, even Homer nods once in a while,
Unwittingly becomes a xylophobe.
  That malapropist raised a smile
  From people all around the globe.
"Norwegian Wood" was cited. Someone sang:
"O would that wood were planted in sci.lang."