Discussion Groups / English Usage / July 2009

Can you please let me know if I am a good writer? I want to self
publish and make alot of money.

Thanks. Below is some of my book which I am writing.

The Fruity Adventures of Martha and Stuart

It was a dark and stormy night, the thunder was doing a regular boom,
crash opera that made the two characters of this story a bit antsy as
they hid in the cave from the thunder gods powerful storm.

They were scared of the thunder god because they were primitives and
primitives are stupid.Oh yeah, this is set in the way olden days. Like
6000 years ago.

“Stuart!” Said Martha looking down at Stuart.

“What!” Said Stuart looking at Martha with what looked like a boner
tenting in his loin cloth.

Martha said in a tone of naughtiness “Are you carrying lunch down
there or are you just pleased to see me?”

Stuart blushed and said with a look of desperation “I wish it was
lunch Martha. I am so hungry I could even eat one of those berries”
pointing at Martha's pelvis area.

Martha went red in the face as she remembered why Stewart and her were
cast out by the tribe of Wing Wangs who inhabited that area.

You see, It all started about 10 years ago when they were married off.
On the day of the wedding Martha and Stewart went through the Taming
of the Fish ceremony like all newly married couples did.

The Taming of the Fish ceremony took place in the chief priests sacred
tent,  involved the entire tribe and was regarded as one of the most
important rituals of the Wing Wang culture.

The ceremony involved the lady person stripping down and all the male
folk extending their tongues and licking out the newly married lady.

The idea was that by giving the lady person so much oral on the night
of the wedding she would get sick of it, causing her not to ask her
male companion for it ever again.

After many hours of slurping away one of the elders noticed something
strange, he felt intelligent. Almost too intelligent so much that he
got up, put on a fresh vine leaf, sat down and created calculus.

Then all the other men noticed the same thing, they were smart, like
real smart. So smart that the thunder god started to sh.t his pants.
“WTF!” the thunder god said. “They gonna be like me, that cursed
womans juices are intoxicating the men with brain smarts!”

So the thunder god came down from the clouds and did a magic trick
making everyone dumb again then said to Martha “You have made the men
folk smart with your feminine magic, now you will be cursed for like,
ever!”

Then the thunder god waltzed over and looked down in disdain at the
sh.t-scared humans. Adjusting his belt he thundered, “You shall
forever have a poisoned berry bush growing on your bush and whatever
man shall eat, or touch it with any of his bits will surely die.”

Martha and Stewart were ever so gob smacked by all that went down that
they ran into the jungle wailing and weeping, sooking and blabbering,
crying and not feeling 100%.

And ever since that day Martha and Stewart have been wondering the
Earth in search of a cure for the horrible curse of the poisoned bush.

They traveled  here and there, to and fro, up and down and round and
round seeking out all the magic men but no one could cure her.

And now they finded themselves in a cave, cold, hungry, horny, gassy
and rather depressed.

Martha glared at Stewart and said “You know you can not eat these
berries, if you do you will die”

Stewart stared at the cave wall, thinking about this life and muttered
“Maybe a life without frontal intercourse isn't a life worth living”

Martha shook her head and started to cry, believing that she was at
fault for their predicament. Stewart feeling sorry for making her
upset walked over and stroked her hair saying “Sorry Martha, I didn't
mean it. You still give this best hand job a guy could ask for”

Martha smiled and and reached under Stewart's loin cloth squeezing his
soft balls in her hand whispering in his ear “At least we can still
eat the fruit from these berries”

Stewart grinned like a deer caught in the headlights of a police car
after it just ate the wrong kind of wild mushrooms while he was
quickly milked of his seed, now dripping delicately onto the floor.

They then both bent down and lapped up the seed. Stewart's seed was
the only food they had in the cave and although slimy and not the
tastiest thing around it provided some relief to their aching
stomachs.

Once they wiped their mouths the storm cleared and Martha and Stewart
left the cave to go food hunting.

Wondering through the jungle plains they came across a gay tiger who
said in a whiny voice “Helloooo thar, I am Mr scary tiger from the
furfargy tribe of furries”

Martha and Stewart were slightly taken a-back by the talking
effeminate tiger as tigers were usually really manly and they ate
people. This tiger looked like it just wanted Stewart's boy pussy and
only ate at fast food restaurants.

Stewart said “meekly” to the tiger, meekly.

The tiger said “Meekly? I do not understand your language”

Stewart said “Oh, well in the language of Wing Wangs its means we are
hungry”

The tiger paused and had a look of seriousness on his furry face.....